He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
