I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
