I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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