Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
