I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
