cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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