she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
