i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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