Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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