Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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