Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
