i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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