I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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