The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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