I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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