I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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