I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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