Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
