he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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