i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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