My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We need to rekindle our bromance
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
