I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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