my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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