Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
