Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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