does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
