do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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