I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
