Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Pooping to opera.
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