I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I need moral support for this bender
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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