He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
