She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
