I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
third nipple confirmed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Im part way to drunk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
