You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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