Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
