oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
