You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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