Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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