This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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