I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
