I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
