Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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