official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
