i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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