Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
