he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
