11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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