I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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