I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
