Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
