i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
