I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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