I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
