He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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