even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
