woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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