There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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