You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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