Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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