Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
