today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
